I'm Not Sorry.

Sometimes I just want to go around wearing a disclaimer. I want people to know what they’re getting into before they involve themselves with me. I want to apologize for all the reasons I don’t act and react as culture would expect and I want to warn those who come in contact with me that the cover of this book is very misleading about the pages within.

I get used to hearing phrases that hint at the fact that I’m not quite the cookie cutter American that people are used to.

“You didn’t say much tonight”

“Aren’t you driving yet?”

“When will you be going on-campus for college?”

“Oh, no. Kayla is anything but organized”

It’s not that these comments hurt me. I am fully aware that I don’t quite fit the mold and I’m fine with that. But there seems to be this attitude that there’s something wrong with that. As if I have to have a good defense for all these things.

I was thinking about writing a post to apologize for all these traits. To say “I’m sorry” for being quiet and disorganized. To say “I’m sorry” for not being what you expected. But then I realized that I really don’t have to say I’m sorry about at all. Because:

I’m not sorry for being a great listener. For always knowing when someone is upset even through their smiling facade.

I’m not sorry for adding life to a black and white world through my randomness, creativity, and disorganization.

I’m not sorry that my attention deficit disorder doesn’t quite fit the mold.

I’m not sorry that I have never been to a public school and pressured to do drugs or go too far with a guy I didn’t even like.

I’m not sorry that I’m guarded for all the right reasons.

I’m not sorry that I have had my share of pain and hurt. I’m not sorry that the shattered pieces come together to make a beautiful mosaic.

I’m not sorry for the mistakes I’ve made because they make me who I am today.

I’m not sorry for making illogical decisions. I’m not sorry for following God’s lead even when it’s risky.

I’m not sorry for giving my entire life to a God I can’t even see and leaving the results up to Him. I'm not sorry that I don't have a plan B. 

I’m not sorry for not being a size zero. I’m not sorry for thriving in the body God has given me instead of constantly wishing for a different one.

I’m not sorry for being an 18 year old who’s never dated.

I’m not sorry for feeling emotions deeply and falling apart once in a while.

I’m not sorry for not having it all together.

I’m not sorry for being a broken human being.

I’m not sorry for being unique and different.

I’m not sorry for any trait that God has placed in me.

I am not sorry for being me.

And that’s my challenge to you today. I’ve heard so many people lately that apologize for everything they do. But why are they apologizing? Of course our house doesn’t look like an Ikea ad. Of course our children don’t answer to our every beck and call like the kids on T.V. Of course we don’t look like the airbrushed models and of course we don’t live perfect, sterile lives. So what are we apologizing for?

It’s a new year and with that milestone often comes a list of resolutions. Now, I’m not against resolutions at all. I actually find them extremely helpful. But take a look down at that list of yours and evaluate it. How many of those things are really, truly for you? Do you want to lose 10 pounds because you want to be healthy, or do you want to do it so you can stop saying “I’m sorry” for your body? Do you want to go to more social gatherings because you truly want to stop and enjoy relationship or because you want to stop having to say “I’m sorry” for your social awkwardness?

God doesn’t make mistakes.

I suggest we stop measuring ourselves by culture’s standards and start measuring by God’s.

Maybe it’s time for you to join with me in saying:

“I’m not sorry”.