Chapter Five: Another Trust Fall

Chapter Five: Another Trust Fall
Do you know what the trust fall is? Well, sometimes I feel like God asks me to do a trust fall into his arms. And no matter how many times I've done it before, it's always quite frightening. I feel like this is a good picture of what the month of September looked like for me.

You see, I had a plan. As soon as I moved on campus I was going to apply for a job in food service. I was sure it would be an easy in because I knew two people already working in the food service department and they both said it shouldn't be too hard to get a job there. So that was my plan. I would move on campus and get a job and make enough money in that first month to pay for my next school payment and keep going like that.

But I should have seen it coming, shouldn't I? God doesn't schedule His life around our plans. In fact, He often has much better plans that He will work out in our lives if we only trust Him. And he definitely didn't work around my plan. I handed in my application and waited eagerly for a call or email inviting me in for an interview. And then a week passed. And then another week passed. And before you know it a month had passed and I hadn't heard anything back. A few acquaintances of mind had already heard back and started working.

"This isn't right," I thought, "God, wasn't this the plan? Wasn't I gonna get a job here and work and earn lots of money? What went wrong? Did I not hand the application in early enough? Did I misspell a word? Did I fill something out wrong? What happened?"

At about the same time, I was also being bombarded by a myriad of things I had to do in my life and I was overwhelmed. I had to fill out paperwork, I had to go to orientation meetings, I had to do homework and figure out how all my classes worked, I had to make friends, I had to pay fees for various things and hand in various sheets to various departments, and more. I began to get so anxious.

"God, I can't do this. I have so much to do and I have no idea how to get it all done in time. I have to do a bunch of adulty things and I don't know if I'm adult enough. I have to know things and accomplish things and submit things and I can't keep it all straight! AH!"

One morning as I was expressing these feelings to God, I was sitting outside on a bench. It was a warm day, and as I prayed my eyes drifted up to the clear blue sky. I watched as several birds floated on top of the air currents without a worry in the world.

"God, I wish I could be like them. They don't have to worry about anything."

To which God replied, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34)

It was then that I got it. It was then that it finally clicked. When God said do not worry, He meant it. He wasn't telling me to only worry about the big things that would cause damage if they didn't work out. He wasn't telling me to lift it up to him with a clenched fist. He was telling me that He had it all in His control. He was telling me that I literally did not have to worry about everything. I could once again stop striving and rest in Him. And so I did. I didn't know where the money for my next school payment would come from if I couldn't find a job, but I trusted that He would figure it out which meant I didn't have to. 

Chapter Four: But wait, there's more!

Chapter Four: But Wait, There's More!
Once again, the time was quickly approaching for me to pay my next school bill. And as it approached, I found something strange happening in my heart. As the deadline quickly approached I found that I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worrying. Because I remembered what God had done last month, and I was sure He could do it again if He wanted to. So I didn't worry. My parents, as parents do, would occasionally ask how I was going to pay, and I never knew the specific answer to that question, but I knew it would all work out.

That sounds like a lazy view doesn't it? I thought so at first too. You can't just sit around hoping for everything to work out, can you? Normally, no. You cannot. But you know what makes all the difference? God. And if He has promised to provide for your every need according to His will, why would we reject that and try to do it on our own? Doesn't that route sound so much more tiring and purposeless if someone has already offered to do the dirty work for you?

But I get it. Because I felt so lazy at first too. It wasn't that I was choosing to not do anything because I wasn't willing to do the work. No, that's different. What was happening is that I was learning what it meant to rest in the Lord and stop striving.

That word - striving - do you know what I mean by that? It's that kind of work where you are chasing and chasing after something until you get it. It's the idea of a hamster running on it's hamster wheel. Do you understand how meaningless that is? God has not called us to do no work. In fact, sometimes He specifically calls us to work. According to Him, hard work is good. But He has called us to stop striving. He's called us to stop working so hard on our own, when He's already offered to do the hard work for us. He's called us to stop running on that hamster wheel that doesn't go anywhere, and instead piggy back on Him.

And this was exactly what I was learning in late July. God was teaching me to stop striving and trust Him. Of course that makes no sense in the world's standards, but why would we expect God's standards of living to ever make sense to a broken and sin filled world?

Just as the deadline approached for me to pay my next school bill, my dad asked if He could talk with me. I was baffled at what He could possibly have to say that was so important, but I expected it to be somewhat bad since you rarely ask to talk to someone like that if you have good news. But oh, how wrong I was! In the next few minutes my father shared with me that an organization had decided to give me a one thousand dollar scholarship for school! I was overjoyed. And I was so pleased to see that resting in God's sovereignty had not been a mistake.

I once again was overcome with an awe for God and His awesome power. I was once again reminded of His faithfulness and His goodness. I was once again reminded that He saw me in my plight and cared for me. And once again, I was reminded of His great love for me.

When was the last time you truly took a step back from all the stressors in your life, and rested in God to work them out? When was the last time you choose not to worry about things that should be cause for anxiety and instead trust in God? I encourage you to cast your burdens on the Lord today because His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Chapter Three: Just In Time

Chapter Three: Just in Time
Did you know that God knows more than you do? I knew that too. But sometimes it's easy to forget until He shows you. Well He definitely showed me, and this is how it happened.

Since God had provided the thousand dollars for me to pay for school with, I had been so happy and excited about His never ending faithfulness. As I made my checklist of things to do before school started, I was so encouraged. I knew that God has clearly called me to Moody Bible Institute, and I was slowly making progress in checking things off my list so I could go. One of the things on that list was to sign up for the payment plan. I knew I didn't have enough money to pay for the entire semester all at once.

So one night I sat down and opened the website. I filled in the sheet for the payment program with my name, address, birthday, and class details, and submitted it to the appropriate department. I then found out some information I had not known before. The first payment was due on July 1st. Which was only a few days away. At first I freaked out.

"I didn't know I had to pay so soon. Oh no! Will the check get there in time? Will I have to pay late fees?"

But then as I thought about it more, I became more in awe of God. The amount I had to pay was just over a thousand dollars. Around the same amount God had just provided for me. This was pretty amazing to me. But that wasn't the only thing that was amazing.

In my particular checking account at the bank, I have to keep at least $500 in the account to avoid paying any extra fees. As I wrote out the check, addressed the envelope, and balanced my checkbook, I was amazed to realize something else. I had originally thought that God had provided that thousand dollars way ahead of time. I wondered why God would do that, because it seemed unlike Him. But little did I know that it wasn't very far ahead of time at all.

What actually happened was that God knew something I didn't and provided for it just in time. If I did not receive that thousand dollars in the time that I did, I would have gone under the limit in my checking account and would've had to pay a bunch of fees that I couldn't afford.

Once again I was in awe of God. I was reminded that He is so faithful and SO good. Sometimes we don't even know we need His provision and He still provides. Sometimes He gives us things we didn't even know to ask for. He is always watching out for us and caring for us, whether averting a crisis from happening in our lives, or whether providing just the right thing at just the right time.

We so often worry about the "what if's", but do we realize how many "what if's" God has already prevented from happening in our day? How much more would we trust our Lord if we realized how faithful He is in caring for His children.

He doesn't just care about the big things, dear Christian. He cares about the small things to...like a checkbook balance. What are you worried about today? What makes you anxious? Ask the Lord to show you His faithful provision for you, and you may just find your eyes widening in awe of your heavenly Daddy!

Chapter Two: The Waiting Game

Chapter Two: The Waiting Game
"Okay God, you've called me to work Camp, which I clearly cannot afford. So I'm trusting that you will provide the money I'm lacking."

And so I waited for the money to start pouring in.
And I waited.
And I waited,
February passed. March passed. April passed. May passed. And other than the few babysitting jobs I got, there was no money pouring in. I was excited for Camp to start in June, but I began to question my decision.

"Did I make the wrong choice? Will I have enough money to go to school? God, I thought you were taking care of this. It's been months and I haven't seen any money come in."

During this time, we began to go through a sermon series on faith in church. This series was both an encouragement and challenge to me as I asked these tough questions. When I got together with my bible study and we talked about what we had learned from the sermons, and always on my mind was my decision about my summer. Whether I shared about it, or just thought about it, I was always pondering my continued faith in trusting God for money. Because I was still waiting. But I still knew God was in control.

Through those couple weeks I got the opportunity to share my story with several groups of people hoping that God would use it somehow to inspire faith in their own lives. And slowly, I did see it impact people.

But I was still waiting for money. And as the first couple weeks of Camp passed, the reality hit that I had less than one month before I had to pay the first bill for school. And I began to panic.

"God, you are faithful. I am trusting you to provide the money that I don't have. What are you doing? Why are you waiting. Are you going to provide it? Or do you not want me to go to school in the fall. If that's your will, let it be. But I have worked so hard to finally be able to go on campus. I want it so bad. Please allow me to go. Please provide he money in time. I have no plan B. If you don't provide it, I've got nothing."

And as God often tends to do, just when I was starting to question his faithfulness again, He gently reminded me that He will never fail me. He reminded me that having no plan B was just where he wanted me. He was most glorified through my life when I was most dependent on Him!

How did he remind me of this? Well, one evening before I left from Bible study, a friend handed me an envelope. I was confused because I had no idea why she would have anything to give me, but I stuck it in my purse to open when I got home. One I arrived back home, I pulled the envelope out and opened it. Inside was a note that read something like, "Your faith is inspiring. Hope this helps with school." I reached back into the envelope, baffled at what the note meant. As I reached in, my hand felt another piece of paper which I pulled out. I looked at it in awe as I realized it was a check for a thousand dollars.

My heart began to pound, and my eyes began to fill with tears. "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! God, you did it! You really are faithful! How could I doubt you? Oh my goodness! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

I was baffled. I had heard of things like this happening to people, but I never thought it'd happen to me. I thought that God would provide money through a job, or through a few dollars here and there, but I never thought He'd be able to just hand me a check. That is the moment when God reminded me that He is God. He is in control of all the money in the world. He is the richest man alive. And if I need money, He has no trouble providing it. He can do anything. And I don't always have to strive to work hard enough to earn it either. Sometimes He will provide a job for me to earn money with. But sometimes He just wants me to stop striving, rest in Him, and watch Him do something amazing.

He reminded me that He is my Father. And I am his daughter. I am like a little three year old girl looking up in awe at her daddy saying, "Daddy, do a magic trick! Daddy, do a magic trick!" And like the most wonderful Daddy of all, my heavenly Father swoops me up in His arms and delights in doing amazing things as my eyes widen with wonder and I run to tell all my little friends how awesome my daddy is. My heavenly Daddy delights in providing for me. And He is glorified when I stop trying to do it myself and just watch Him in awe!

And I did tell all my little friends what my heavenly Daddy did. I was so excited about it. How could I hold it in? I delighted in sharing my story and watching others people's eyes widen in wonderment too! I found joy in seeing my story inspire faith in them too.

And as I shared my story with one child of God, she shared one of the wisest pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. "You know, I bet that the closer and closer it gets to the time you have to pay your school bills, the longer God's gonna wait to provide, so that you learn to depend on Him more." And it has been true. Each time God provides, He stretches my dependence on Him even more. He is faithful, but He will not allow me to become comfortable in my awe of Him. He wants me to grow ever closer to Him as I depend on Him more and more.

Chapter One: Stepping Out on the Water

Welcome back to my favorite hangout spot! My blog is truly one of my favorite places to chill when I have downtime. Unfortunately, free time is rare as a full time college student. But that is all the better for you, my dear, because this post that you're about to read had been mulling over in my mind for more than two months now. What you're about to read might be uncomfortable. It might be a little scary. And at first glance, you might not agree. But for that I am grateful. Because if this post makes you think, then I have done my job well.

You might be asking what could be written in a mere blog post that might make one so uncomfortable. Summed up it is this: We as Christians are called to be completely dependent on God for our finances, and that is a gift. I am not saying that God will not sometimes give His children an abundance of wealth and possessions to bless others with. That is sometimes the case. But if you will allow me to make such a bold statement, I would like to say that this is not the case for the majority of Christians. The majority of Christians in the American church value comfort as much as they value God, and for this reason they hold their money with a tightly clenched fist.  This is not God's intent. We are called to surrender EVERYTHING to Him, even when it makes no sense realistically. And the stories I am about to share are proof of that. Often, what God requests of us is basically the opposite of realistic.

Now, already you may have some doubts about what I'm saying, or even some arguments. But that is not the purpose of this post. I intend to challenge you, but I also intend to share many stories of God's faithfulness in my life. Because God is GOOD. So, so good!

After beginning to write down all the thoughts and stories that have occurred in my life in the past, I have realized that this story has many chapters. And to tell them all in one sitting would cause you sacrifice hours of your life just to sit and read. So instead, I have decided to tell this story in a series of blog posts, telling one chapter at a time. So sit down, relax, and enjoy the divine narrative that God is writing through my life.

Chapter One: Stepping Out On the Water
It all began back in February of 2015. February was when I started to make plans for my summer. And every year for the past five years, I had worked at a summer camp during the summer. That camp was one of my greatest joys and passions. But this year things were different. This year I could not afford to skate by earning less than minimum wage. This year I needed a real job. This year I had to pay for school.

But this reality broke my heart. The more I thought of being away from Camp, the more I grieved. I felt like I could never truly be happy working a regular job. So I wrestled. I wrestled with God.

"Lord, you know I can't afford to work Camp. You know that I need a real job. Please place a real job in my path. Please give me something to pay the bills."

"Lord, every job opportunity I have falls through. You know I can't just work various babysitting jobs and make enough money. What are you doing?"

"Lord, this deep longing in my heart to work Camp won't go away. You know I can't afford that. Why would you put this longing in my heart if it can't be fulfilled? Why won't you make it go away. Right now I feel like I could never be happy doing anything else."

Those few months were so hard. I knew I needed to make a decision about my summer, but I could not. I wrestled so much. Many tears were shed during those weeks. And many people were asked to pray. I ended up seriously considering working Camp, but I was so conflicted.

"God, is this selfish? Am I just doing what's comfortable? I truly do want to do your will, but I've having trouble distinguishing that from my own desires."

"Jesus, this is so unrealistic. I know if I choose to work Camp, I will never be able to afford school, and yet I'm seriously considering working Camp. What am I doing?"

These discussions continued, as well as many discussions with friends and mentors asking for advice and prayer. As the conflicted feelings came to a climax, God in His faithfulness finally made it clear to me what He was doing.

One afternoon I was sitting in the rocking chair in our living room thinking about life. The night before, I had the opportunity to give a talk at my church's high school youth group. I had spoken on a passage that is well known in the church. It was the passage about Peter walking on water. In the lesson, I emphasized the extreme faith it takes to step out on the water. Walking on water is not logical. It doesn't make sense. It goes against every lesson we've ever learned and every law of nature we know is in place. And yet when Jesus called Peter out on the water, he lifted his foot out of the boat and placed it on top of the stormy water. What faith! For a few moments Peter was walking with his eyes fixed on his Savior, but as soon as he lifted his eyes to the story clouds, billowing winds, and wavy water, fear entered his heart and he began to sink.

I wonder what was going through Peter's mind at that moment. It might have even felt like waking up from a dream perhaps. 'What am I doing? This can't be real. This is not possible. This is unrealistic. I am going to sink.'

You see, from the world's point of view, Peter was finally snapping out of his delusion. He was finally getting some common sense. He was finally starting to be a realist. Do you see the twisted nature of this? The world tells us to be realistic in the way we think and make decisions, and so we try to be realistic while still following Jesus. And I feel like in most cases, that does not work very well. Because faith is not realistic. "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase," as Martin Luther King Jr. once said. And this is the lesson that God had to teach me.

As I sat in that rocking chair thinking through life, God entered in and began conversing with me.
"Remember that lesson you taught last night? Remember when Peter walked onto the water? Remember how Peter longed to be like his Rabbi, and pleaded for Jesus to call him out on the water? And remember that Jesus called, and Peter then had to take the step of faith out on the water to do something that didn't make sense?"

"Yes, Lord, I remember."

"Well that is what I'm calling you to do. You have pleaded with me for weeks to let you step out on the water and work Camp. You have asked to do something that does not make sense because you long to serve Me. Now I am calling you to come. I am giving you the 'go'. I know it doesn't make sense to walk on water. But will you trust me? Will you step from the safe realistic boat onto the water and walk day by day towards Me?

"Yes, Lord, I will."

I was so happy to finally have confirmation. I was so happy to finally hear clearly from the Lord. For so long I was afraid I was being selfish for following the desire God had placed in my heart. For so long I had thought I was being foolish for trusting in God and making the one decision that was the least realistic and made the least sense. For so long I had thought that I needed to listen to the wise words of the world around me instead of the still small voice I heard inside. But finally it made sense. God's call to me will not always make sense. God's call will not always look "smart". God's call will sometimes even cause other Christians to raise their eyebrow in concern. But listening for God's voice among the crowd is always the best choice.

So I made my decision. I would work Camp during the summer. I would make barely enough money to pay for two months of school instead of making enough to cover the entire semester. I would commit my summer to ministry rather than committing it to providing for my future. I knew that I could not afford to work Camp. I knew that I would never be able to pay for school on the path I currently was taking. But I chose to trust God. And I knew that somehow, He would make it all work out.

An Accidental Lesson

So before I even get started writing this blog post, I think I should acknowledge the elephant in the room, so to speak. We all know it’s there. In fact, a few of you have even mentioned it.  You tell me, “Kayla, you haven’t written a blog post in a loooonnnggg time!” And I agree. It’s been a while. It’s been months. And in this day and age of constant media stream, filled with ever-changing new and exciting posts, tweets, and shares - a neglected blog is almost offensive. There are rules about these things you know. You must write entertaining media to engage your audience. You must build your audience and pay attention to your views and all other important related statistics and numbers. And above all, you must never leave an audience member bored.

In fact, that’s all that our current day media has become – a constant stream of entertainment. 

Audiences nowadays don’t shout out for good literature or deeply thought out concepts. No. Our 21^st century audience raises their fist to the sky in outrage, demanding to be entertained.

But let me set something straight. My blog is a different kind of blog.

While my absence from this forum may have been accidental, due to school, internships, and ministry work galore, it has become so much more than an accident. It has become an opportunity to learn and to ponder what really matters.

I have had a list in mind of possible blog posts I’ve wanted to write for months. Every week I came up with a new one. My fingers itched to click against this keyboard once again. And with that itch also came the nagging pull of guilt in my heart that I was letting my readers down. I was not doing my proper duty as a blogger. I was not entertaining you and I was not being consistent.

This guilt bothered me for months. And even when I knew there were so many reasons why I could do nothing about the fact that school and work came first on my priority list, I still got weighed down by it. But this constant tug only brought me to ponder a very valuable lesson.

I believe that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are “cheap” people, and there are “quality” people, for lack of a better word. Each day people have choices to make that effect their lives and their legacy. The vast majority of people end up compromising on their values, goals, and endeavors because the world constantly pressures them to fit in, to be realistic, and to take the easy route. These are the “cheap” people. However, there is always the few that stick to the hard road and find greater depth and value in a life that was hard earned. These are the people that end up in our history books and our top ten list of heroes. Martin Luther. Martin Luther King Jr. C.S. Lewis. Jane Austen. Albert Einstein. Mary, the mother of Jesus. Jesus.                                  Just think about it.

And while I could go on and on about this core idea, I wanted to take it a step further. I wanted to bring it down to Earth even more. I wanted to apply it to media. I wanted to talk about my blog.

You see, as I thought about that concept of “cheap” versus “quality” one night I realized something. I did not create this blog to be cheap. I never intended to impress an audience. In fact, it’s just the opposite.

When I sit down to write a blog post, I am not doing it to increase my numbers. I don’t ask what the people want. Because as counter cultural as it is, my blog ain’t about the people at all. I don’t write for an audience. When I sit down to write a post, I do it for the sheer purpose of putting words on a page in what might one day be a masterpiece. I write solely to write. That is all. And I pray that somehow God would use my words to touch you in some way and work in your own hearts and lives. But once you start to write for an audience, you start to write cheaply.

I am aware that this is a concept many may disagree with me on, but just stick with me for a moment.

When was the last time you finished reading a classic novel and said, “Wow - that was extremely entertaining”? I know those are never the first words that come out of my mouth. But we often don’t complain. We don’t compare Spiderman comics with Les Miserables because we understand that they are different. Comics are written to entertain. Classic literature was written for an entirely different purpose. Classic authors never started a novel asking the question, “what do the people want to read?”. They more likely started with a question similar to, “what do I feel must be written?”.

And that is the difference between my blog and other media online these days.

My blog posts are long and do not come in convenient, abridged, easy-to-read packages. I’m not sorry.

My blog posts are written inconsistently, sometimes with weeks or months in between. I’m not sorry.

My blog posts are not written to be what you want to read. They are written to be what must be written. And guess what! I’m not sorry.

I choose to walk in the footsteps of C.S. Lewis rather than in the footprints of Buzzfeed editors. And I’m not sorry.

If you want a quick fix of entertainment, don’t come here.

As a dear friend of mine has said, “I am not here to feed you. I am here to teach you to fish.”

I, as a person and a writer, am called to a greater purpose and have chosen to walk the path less traveled. And as much as I wanted to inform you as an audience that I have decided to stand up against the “cheap” culture of our 21^st century media, I also want to turn my attention to you, dear friend. May I ask you to ponder one simple question? Whether for your own sake, or merely for mine, in hopes that it would make you stop your everyday routine and truly question which path you travel?

Which kind of person are you?

This one's for the girls....

I'm not a feminist. I do not believe in feminism as it is portrayed in our culture today. But I am angry at the images and expectations that culture has for today's women. Culture says women are sex objects. Culture says that women are something to be used. Culture says women are weak. Culture says women are not good enough. And as a woman in today's culture I am offended. 

I was watching Miss Congeniality and Miss Congeniality 2 this weekend and the end of the movies left me in that all too familiar place of comparing them to my life. Of wondering why my life can't flow smoothly, with all the boring parts cut out and a soundtrack playing in the background. But the movies also left me pondering womanhood. The message of the second movie is basically that women don't need men, and that women don't need to be girly to be a woman.

But I am girly. I like makeup. I like lace, and flowers, and ruffles. I like when guys hold doors open for me or offer to carry something heavy.  I like glitter. I like pink. I like dresses. 

But I also like playing in the mud. I like learning to fix things. I like shooting baskets. I like riding four wheelers. I like shooting guns. 

Well, I was picking out my outfit for church last night and I came across that almost new suit jacket hanging in the back of my closet. I hate wearing that thing. It makes me feel masculine. But in light of the "FBI" movie I had just watched, I decided to give it a go. 

To quote my friend, Sarah, "Isn't it sad that girls feel powerful in a suit, but feminine in a dress?"

I did end up finding the best of both worlds, as seen in the picture below, but I want you to take away the deeper message of this life lesson. You can be both. You can embrace your "and".

Watch this video below. Most women's campaigns started as marketing schemes I scoff at. But this one I think is very biblical. There are so many labels put on us as women, but God created us to be multi-faceted beings. You are human. You and complex. And that is beautiful. Embrace it!

I'm Not Sorry.

Sometimes I just want to go around wearing a disclaimer. I want people to know what they’re getting into before they involve themselves with me. I want to apologize for all the reasons I don’t act and react as culture would expect and I want to warn those who come in contact with me that the cover of this book is very misleading about the pages within.

I get used to hearing phrases that hint at the fact that I’m not quite the cookie cutter American that people are used to.

“You didn’t say much tonight”

“Aren’t you driving yet?”

“When will you be going on-campus for college?”

“Oh, no. Kayla is anything but organized”

It’s not that these comments hurt me. I am fully aware that I don’t quite fit the mold and I’m fine with that. But there seems to be this attitude that there’s something wrong with that. As if I have to have a good defense for all these things.

I was thinking about writing a post to apologize for all these traits. To say “I’m sorry” for being quiet and disorganized. To say “I’m sorry” for not being what you expected. But then I realized that I really don’t have to say I’m sorry about at all. Because:

I’m not sorry for being a great listener. For always knowing when someone is upset even through their smiling facade.

I’m not sorry for adding life to a black and white world through my randomness, creativity, and disorganization.

I’m not sorry that my attention deficit disorder doesn’t quite fit the mold.

I’m not sorry that I have never been to a public school and pressured to do drugs or go too far with a guy I didn’t even like.

I’m not sorry that I’m guarded for all the right reasons.

I’m not sorry that I have had my share of pain and hurt. I’m not sorry that the shattered pieces come together to make a beautiful mosaic.

I’m not sorry for the mistakes I’ve made because they make me who I am today.

I’m not sorry for making illogical decisions. I’m not sorry for following God’s lead even when it’s risky.

I’m not sorry for giving my entire life to a God I can’t even see and leaving the results up to Him. I'm not sorry that I don't have a plan B. 

I’m not sorry for not being a size zero. I’m not sorry for thriving in the body God has given me instead of constantly wishing for a different one.

I’m not sorry for being an 18 year old who’s never dated.

I’m not sorry for feeling emotions deeply and falling apart once in a while.

I’m not sorry for not having it all together.

I’m not sorry for being a broken human being.

I’m not sorry for being unique and different.

I’m not sorry for any trait that God has placed in me.

I am not sorry for being me.

And that’s my challenge to you today. I’ve heard so many people lately that apologize for everything they do. But why are they apologizing? Of course our house doesn’t look like an Ikea ad. Of course our children don’t answer to our every beck and call like the kids on T.V. Of course we don’t look like the airbrushed models and of course we don’t live perfect, sterile lives. So what are we apologizing for?

It’s a new year and with that milestone often comes a list of resolutions. Now, I’m not against resolutions at all. I actually find them extremely helpful. But take a look down at that list of yours and evaluate it. How many of those things are really, truly for you? Do you want to lose 10 pounds because you want to be healthy, or do you want to do it so you can stop saying “I’m sorry” for your body? Do you want to go to more social gatherings because you truly want to stop and enjoy relationship or because you want to stop having to say “I’m sorry” for your social awkwardness?

God doesn’t make mistakes.

I suggest we stop measuring ourselves by culture’s standards and start measuring by God’s.

Maybe it’s time for you to join with me in saying:

“I’m not sorry”.