Chapter Seven: The Story Goes On

After God provided for my October school payment, I went to bed joyous over the love and faithfulness He had shown me. Each time I pondered His love, it brought me to tears. I could not even understand how He could be so good to me over and over again. It seemed to good to be true. Little did I know what He would do next.

I woke up the next morning at my normal time, ready for another day of school and more school. As I started preparing for my day, I noticed an envelope slipped under my door with my name on it. I picked it up, intrigued as to what it might be. I opened it and read the note inside, "From a [friend] who cares about your education..." I wondered what might be inside the envelope, so I opened it further and took a look. 

"No way! NO WAY! Oh my goodness! OH MY GOSH! What?"

My roommate looked up, wondering what I was freaking out about. "What? What's in it?"

"A hundred and fifty dollars!!!"

"What? No way!"

"I KNOW!"

For the one hundredth time, I was speechless at God's goodness to me. He had provided for me more times than I could count. It was no longer just a one time thing. It had become a pattern in my life. He had taught me over and over to trust Him, and when my trust started to falter He took my hand and gave me a gentle reminder of His faithfulness. 

Still, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my heavenly Father whenever I think of how faithful He has been to me.

And it is still not easy to trust Him, when I don't have a plan B. Each time it takes more faith and dependence on Him. 

Still, I don't have a job. I've applied to many. I've even had many promising job interviews, but each time God closed the door. 

I still do not have enough money for my next school payment, but I trust that God will provide just enough money in just enough time. Because He cares for me. And He has called me out on the water to walk towards Him in faith.

But I'm kind of excited to see how He will provide for my next payment! Aren't you?

Chapter Six: Watch What I Can Do!

Chapter Six: Watch What I Can Do!

As October approached I began to get nervous about my next school payment. Now before I go on, let me explain what I mean by nervous. You see, God had been slowly growing my faith over the past few months. I no longer tried to provide for myself by myself. He had taught me to trust in Him. I no longer wondered if He could provide large chunks of money because I knew He could. He had taught me to trust in Him. I no longer wondered if He could provide money in enough time. I knew He could. He had taught me to trust Him. And I was no longer afraid that somehow it wasn't His will to provide money for me. I knew He had specifically called me to Moody Bible Institute for this season and He would provide the funds needed for that. He had taught me to trust in Him.

So I was not nervous that I had to work harder to make the money I needed. I was not nervous that God might not be able to provide enough money. I was not nervous that God might not be able to provide money in enough time. And I was not nervous that He didn't want to provide me money. God had taught me to have faith in all of those areas. It was a different kind of nervous.

You know when you watch a suspenseful movie sometimes. Whether it's an action movie or a thriller movie or just and intense scene, you often feel a certain kind of suspense as you watch the story unravel. It's not that you wonder if you favorite character will survive or if they will get the package, or if they will save the fair maiden or if they will slay the beast. In most cases you know that everything will turn out just fine. You know that your favorite character will conquer in the end. So you don't feel that suspense because you're scared about what might happen to them. Often, you feel the intensity because you just don't know how they will get there. You don't know how that character will make it from point A to point B. You don't know how much pain and suffering they might go to to get there. You don't know how long they will have to wait and fight to finally be victorious. You don't feel nervous because you wonder how the story will end. You feel nervous because you don't know how it will get there.

And that is the kind of nervousness I felt as I waited for God to provide the money for my school payment. I knew that He had it all worked out already. I knew that there was a happy ending. But as the deadline approached, I sat in suspense waiting to see how that would happen. 

Once again I was nervous I would go under my checking account limit and have to pay fees. I would be paying the last bit of money I had made working Camp and I didn't know if I had enough. 

"God, you're going to have to work this all out, you know. I don't have enough money for this. Once again, if you don't provide what I need, I have no plan B. I'm trusting you to make sure I don't go under the limit because I can't afford to pay any extra fees right now. Please provide for what I need. I know you are faithful and good and that you will take care of me."

And as I prayed this prayer over and over, I felt God telling me, "Just write the check and watch what I can do!"

So I did. One afternoon, I sat down on my bed, pulled out my checkbook and wrote the check out for the exact payment needed. I knew that even if I didn't have enough money in my account to stay above the $500, God would work it out somehow. What happened next left me speechless. 

As I balanced my checkbook, and added up the numbers I waited to see if I even had any money left. I did the math and wrote down the answer: $509. I had $509 left in my account. Just enough so that I didn't have to pay fees. I freaked out. 

"Oh my goodness! OH MY GOODNESS! Jesus, you are SO good! Thank you so much for providing for me over and over. You are more faithful to your people than I can even comprehend. Thank you!"

And once again, God had provided exactly what I needed. He is faithful! 

Chapter Five: Another Trust Fall

Chapter Five: Another Trust Fall
Do you know what the trust fall is? Well, sometimes I feel like God asks me to do a trust fall into his arms. And no matter how many times I've done it before, it's always quite frightening. I feel like this is a good picture of what the month of September looked like for me.

You see, I had a plan. As soon as I moved on campus I was going to apply for a job in food service. I was sure it would be an easy in because I knew two people already working in the food service department and they both said it shouldn't be too hard to get a job there. So that was my plan. I would move on campus and get a job and make enough money in that first month to pay for my next school payment and keep going like that.

But I should have seen it coming, shouldn't I? God doesn't schedule His life around our plans. In fact, He often has much better plans that He will work out in our lives if we only trust Him. And he definitely didn't work around my plan. I handed in my application and waited eagerly for a call or email inviting me in for an interview. And then a week passed. And then another week passed. And before you know it a month had passed and I hadn't heard anything back. A few acquaintances of mind had already heard back and started working.

"This isn't right," I thought, "God, wasn't this the plan? Wasn't I gonna get a job here and work and earn lots of money? What went wrong? Did I not hand the application in early enough? Did I misspell a word? Did I fill something out wrong? What happened?"

At about the same time, I was also being bombarded by a myriad of things I had to do in my life and I was overwhelmed. I had to fill out paperwork, I had to go to orientation meetings, I had to do homework and figure out how all my classes worked, I had to make friends, I had to pay fees for various things and hand in various sheets to various departments, and more. I began to get so anxious.

"God, I can't do this. I have so much to do and I have no idea how to get it all done in time. I have to do a bunch of adulty things and I don't know if I'm adult enough. I have to know things and accomplish things and submit things and I can't keep it all straight! AH!"

One morning as I was expressing these feelings to God, I was sitting outside on a bench. It was a warm day, and as I prayed my eyes drifted up to the clear blue sky. I watched as several birds floated on top of the air currents without a worry in the world.

"God, I wish I could be like them. They don't have to worry about anything."

To which God replied, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34)

It was then that I got it. It was then that it finally clicked. When God said do not worry, He meant it. He wasn't telling me to only worry about the big things that would cause damage if they didn't work out. He wasn't telling me to lift it up to him with a clenched fist. He was telling me that He had it all in His control. He was telling me that I literally did not have to worry about everything. I could once again stop striving and rest in Him. And so I did. I didn't know where the money for my next school payment would come from if I couldn't find a job, but I trusted that He would figure it out which meant I didn't have to. 

Chapter Four: But wait, there's more!

Chapter Four: But Wait, There's More!
Once again, the time was quickly approaching for me to pay my next school bill. And as it approached, I found something strange happening in my heart. As the deadline quickly approached I found that I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worrying. Because I remembered what God had done last month, and I was sure He could do it again if He wanted to. So I didn't worry. My parents, as parents do, would occasionally ask how I was going to pay, and I never knew the specific answer to that question, but I knew it would all work out.

That sounds like a lazy view doesn't it? I thought so at first too. You can't just sit around hoping for everything to work out, can you? Normally, no. You cannot. But you know what makes all the difference? God. And if He has promised to provide for your every need according to His will, why would we reject that and try to do it on our own? Doesn't that route sound so much more tiring and purposeless if someone has already offered to do the dirty work for you?

But I get it. Because I felt so lazy at first too. It wasn't that I was choosing to not do anything because I wasn't willing to do the work. No, that's different. What was happening is that I was learning what it meant to rest in the Lord and stop striving.

That word - striving - do you know what I mean by that? It's that kind of work where you are chasing and chasing after something until you get it. It's the idea of a hamster running on it's hamster wheel. Do you understand how meaningless that is? God has not called us to do no work. In fact, sometimes He specifically calls us to work. According to Him, hard work is good. But He has called us to stop striving. He's called us to stop working so hard on our own, when He's already offered to do the hard work for us. He's called us to stop running on that hamster wheel that doesn't go anywhere, and instead piggy back on Him.

And this was exactly what I was learning in late July. God was teaching me to stop striving and trust Him. Of course that makes no sense in the world's standards, but why would we expect God's standards of living to ever make sense to a broken and sin filled world?

Just as the deadline approached for me to pay my next school bill, my dad asked if He could talk with me. I was baffled at what He could possibly have to say that was so important, but I expected it to be somewhat bad since you rarely ask to talk to someone like that if you have good news. But oh, how wrong I was! In the next few minutes my father shared with me that an organization had decided to give me a one thousand dollar scholarship for school! I was overjoyed. And I was so pleased to see that resting in God's sovereignty had not been a mistake.

I once again was overcome with an awe for God and His awesome power. I was once again reminded of His faithfulness and His goodness. I was once again reminded that He saw me in my plight and cared for me. And once again, I was reminded of His great love for me.

When was the last time you truly took a step back from all the stressors in your life, and rested in God to work them out? When was the last time you choose not to worry about things that should be cause for anxiety and instead trust in God? I encourage you to cast your burdens on the Lord today because His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Chapter Three: Just In Time

Chapter Three: Just in Time
Did you know that God knows more than you do? I knew that too. But sometimes it's easy to forget until He shows you. Well He definitely showed me, and this is how it happened.

Since God had provided the thousand dollars for me to pay for school with, I had been so happy and excited about His never ending faithfulness. As I made my checklist of things to do before school started, I was so encouraged. I knew that God has clearly called me to Moody Bible Institute, and I was slowly making progress in checking things off my list so I could go. One of the things on that list was to sign up for the payment plan. I knew I didn't have enough money to pay for the entire semester all at once.

So one night I sat down and opened the website. I filled in the sheet for the payment program with my name, address, birthday, and class details, and submitted it to the appropriate department. I then found out some information I had not known before. The first payment was due on July 1st. Which was only a few days away. At first I freaked out.

"I didn't know I had to pay so soon. Oh no! Will the check get there in time? Will I have to pay late fees?"

But then as I thought about it more, I became more in awe of God. The amount I had to pay was just over a thousand dollars. Around the same amount God had just provided for me. This was pretty amazing to me. But that wasn't the only thing that was amazing.

In my particular checking account at the bank, I have to keep at least $500 in the account to avoid paying any extra fees. As I wrote out the check, addressed the envelope, and balanced my checkbook, I was amazed to realize something else. I had originally thought that God had provided that thousand dollars way ahead of time. I wondered why God would do that, because it seemed unlike Him. But little did I know that it wasn't very far ahead of time at all.

What actually happened was that God knew something I didn't and provided for it just in time. If I did not receive that thousand dollars in the time that I did, I would have gone under the limit in my checking account and would've had to pay a bunch of fees that I couldn't afford.

Once again I was in awe of God. I was reminded that He is so faithful and SO good. Sometimes we don't even know we need His provision and He still provides. Sometimes He gives us things we didn't even know to ask for. He is always watching out for us and caring for us, whether averting a crisis from happening in our lives, or whether providing just the right thing at just the right time.

We so often worry about the "what if's", but do we realize how many "what if's" God has already prevented from happening in our day? How much more would we trust our Lord if we realized how faithful He is in caring for His children.

He doesn't just care about the big things, dear Christian. He cares about the small things to...like a checkbook balance. What are you worried about today? What makes you anxious? Ask the Lord to show you His faithful provision for you, and you may just find your eyes widening in awe of your heavenly Daddy!

Chapter Two: The Waiting Game

Chapter Two: The Waiting Game
"Okay God, you've called me to work Camp, which I clearly cannot afford. So I'm trusting that you will provide the money I'm lacking."

And so I waited for the money to start pouring in.
And I waited.
And I waited,
February passed. March passed. April passed. May passed. And other than the few babysitting jobs I got, there was no money pouring in. I was excited for Camp to start in June, but I began to question my decision.

"Did I make the wrong choice? Will I have enough money to go to school? God, I thought you were taking care of this. It's been months and I haven't seen any money come in."

During this time, we began to go through a sermon series on faith in church. This series was both an encouragement and challenge to me as I asked these tough questions. When I got together with my bible study and we talked about what we had learned from the sermons, and always on my mind was my decision about my summer. Whether I shared about it, or just thought about it, I was always pondering my continued faith in trusting God for money. Because I was still waiting. But I still knew God was in control.

Through those couple weeks I got the opportunity to share my story with several groups of people hoping that God would use it somehow to inspire faith in their own lives. And slowly, I did see it impact people.

But I was still waiting for money. And as the first couple weeks of Camp passed, the reality hit that I had less than one month before I had to pay the first bill for school. And I began to panic.

"God, you are faithful. I am trusting you to provide the money that I don't have. What are you doing? Why are you waiting. Are you going to provide it? Or do you not want me to go to school in the fall. If that's your will, let it be. But I have worked so hard to finally be able to go on campus. I want it so bad. Please allow me to go. Please provide he money in time. I have no plan B. If you don't provide it, I've got nothing."

And as God often tends to do, just when I was starting to question his faithfulness again, He gently reminded me that He will never fail me. He reminded me that having no plan B was just where he wanted me. He was most glorified through my life when I was most dependent on Him!

How did he remind me of this? Well, one evening before I left from Bible study, a friend handed me an envelope. I was confused because I had no idea why she would have anything to give me, but I stuck it in my purse to open when I got home. One I arrived back home, I pulled the envelope out and opened it. Inside was a note that read something like, "Your faith is inspiring. Hope this helps with school." I reached back into the envelope, baffled at what the note meant. As I reached in, my hand felt another piece of paper which I pulled out. I looked at it in awe as I realized it was a check for a thousand dollars.

My heart began to pound, and my eyes began to fill with tears. "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! God, you did it! You really are faithful! How could I doubt you? Oh my goodness! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

I was baffled. I had heard of things like this happening to people, but I never thought it'd happen to me. I thought that God would provide money through a job, or through a few dollars here and there, but I never thought He'd be able to just hand me a check. That is the moment when God reminded me that He is God. He is in control of all the money in the world. He is the richest man alive. And if I need money, He has no trouble providing it. He can do anything. And I don't always have to strive to work hard enough to earn it either. Sometimes He will provide a job for me to earn money with. But sometimes He just wants me to stop striving, rest in Him, and watch Him do something amazing.

He reminded me that He is my Father. And I am his daughter. I am like a little three year old girl looking up in awe at her daddy saying, "Daddy, do a magic trick! Daddy, do a magic trick!" And like the most wonderful Daddy of all, my heavenly Father swoops me up in His arms and delights in doing amazing things as my eyes widen with wonder and I run to tell all my little friends how awesome my daddy is. My heavenly Daddy delights in providing for me. And He is glorified when I stop trying to do it myself and just watch Him in awe!

And I did tell all my little friends what my heavenly Daddy did. I was so excited about it. How could I hold it in? I delighted in sharing my story and watching others people's eyes widen in wonderment too! I found joy in seeing my story inspire faith in them too.

And as I shared my story with one child of God, she shared one of the wisest pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. "You know, I bet that the closer and closer it gets to the time you have to pay your school bills, the longer God's gonna wait to provide, so that you learn to depend on Him more." And it has been true. Each time God provides, He stretches my dependence on Him even more. He is faithful, but He will not allow me to become comfortable in my awe of Him. He wants me to grow ever closer to Him as I depend on Him more and more.

Chapter One: Stepping Out on the Water

Welcome back to my favorite hangout spot! My blog is truly one of my favorite places to chill when I have downtime. Unfortunately, free time is rare as a full time college student. But that is all the better for you, my dear, because this post that you're about to read had been mulling over in my mind for more than two months now. What you're about to read might be uncomfortable. It might be a little scary. And at first glance, you might not agree. But for that I am grateful. Because if this post makes you think, then I have done my job well.

You might be asking what could be written in a mere blog post that might make one so uncomfortable. Summed up it is this: We as Christians are called to be completely dependent on God for our finances, and that is a gift. I am not saying that God will not sometimes give His children an abundance of wealth and possessions to bless others with. That is sometimes the case. But if you will allow me to make such a bold statement, I would like to say that this is not the case for the majority of Christians. The majority of Christians in the American church value comfort as much as they value God, and for this reason they hold their money with a tightly clenched fist.  This is not God's intent. We are called to surrender EVERYTHING to Him, even when it makes no sense realistically. And the stories I am about to share are proof of that. Often, what God requests of us is basically the opposite of realistic.

Now, already you may have some doubts about what I'm saying, or even some arguments. But that is not the purpose of this post. I intend to challenge you, but I also intend to share many stories of God's faithfulness in my life. Because God is GOOD. So, so good!

After beginning to write down all the thoughts and stories that have occurred in my life in the past, I have realized that this story has many chapters. And to tell them all in one sitting would cause you sacrifice hours of your life just to sit and read. So instead, I have decided to tell this story in a series of blog posts, telling one chapter at a time. So sit down, relax, and enjoy the divine narrative that God is writing through my life.

Chapter One: Stepping Out On the Water
It all began back in February of 2015. February was when I started to make plans for my summer. And every year for the past five years, I had worked at a summer camp during the summer. That camp was one of my greatest joys and passions. But this year things were different. This year I could not afford to skate by earning less than minimum wage. This year I needed a real job. This year I had to pay for school.

But this reality broke my heart. The more I thought of being away from Camp, the more I grieved. I felt like I could never truly be happy working a regular job. So I wrestled. I wrestled with God.

"Lord, you know I can't afford to work Camp. You know that I need a real job. Please place a real job in my path. Please give me something to pay the bills."

"Lord, every job opportunity I have falls through. You know I can't just work various babysitting jobs and make enough money. What are you doing?"

"Lord, this deep longing in my heart to work Camp won't go away. You know I can't afford that. Why would you put this longing in my heart if it can't be fulfilled? Why won't you make it go away. Right now I feel like I could never be happy doing anything else."

Those few months were so hard. I knew I needed to make a decision about my summer, but I could not. I wrestled so much. Many tears were shed during those weeks. And many people were asked to pray. I ended up seriously considering working Camp, but I was so conflicted.

"God, is this selfish? Am I just doing what's comfortable? I truly do want to do your will, but I've having trouble distinguishing that from my own desires."

"Jesus, this is so unrealistic. I know if I choose to work Camp, I will never be able to afford school, and yet I'm seriously considering working Camp. What am I doing?"

These discussions continued, as well as many discussions with friends and mentors asking for advice and prayer. As the conflicted feelings came to a climax, God in His faithfulness finally made it clear to me what He was doing.

One afternoon I was sitting in the rocking chair in our living room thinking about life. The night before, I had the opportunity to give a talk at my church's high school youth group. I had spoken on a passage that is well known in the church. It was the passage about Peter walking on water. In the lesson, I emphasized the extreme faith it takes to step out on the water. Walking on water is not logical. It doesn't make sense. It goes against every lesson we've ever learned and every law of nature we know is in place. And yet when Jesus called Peter out on the water, he lifted his foot out of the boat and placed it on top of the stormy water. What faith! For a few moments Peter was walking with his eyes fixed on his Savior, but as soon as he lifted his eyes to the story clouds, billowing winds, and wavy water, fear entered his heart and he began to sink.

I wonder what was going through Peter's mind at that moment. It might have even felt like waking up from a dream perhaps. 'What am I doing? This can't be real. This is not possible. This is unrealistic. I am going to sink.'

You see, from the world's point of view, Peter was finally snapping out of his delusion. He was finally getting some common sense. He was finally starting to be a realist. Do you see the twisted nature of this? The world tells us to be realistic in the way we think and make decisions, and so we try to be realistic while still following Jesus. And I feel like in most cases, that does not work very well. Because faith is not realistic. "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase," as Martin Luther King Jr. once said. And this is the lesson that God had to teach me.

As I sat in that rocking chair thinking through life, God entered in and began conversing with me.
"Remember that lesson you taught last night? Remember when Peter walked onto the water? Remember how Peter longed to be like his Rabbi, and pleaded for Jesus to call him out on the water? And remember that Jesus called, and Peter then had to take the step of faith out on the water to do something that didn't make sense?"

"Yes, Lord, I remember."

"Well that is what I'm calling you to do. You have pleaded with me for weeks to let you step out on the water and work Camp. You have asked to do something that does not make sense because you long to serve Me. Now I am calling you to come. I am giving you the 'go'. I know it doesn't make sense to walk on water. But will you trust me? Will you step from the safe realistic boat onto the water and walk day by day towards Me?

"Yes, Lord, I will."

I was so happy to finally have confirmation. I was so happy to finally hear clearly from the Lord. For so long I was afraid I was being selfish for following the desire God had placed in my heart. For so long I had thought I was being foolish for trusting in God and making the one decision that was the least realistic and made the least sense. For so long I had thought that I needed to listen to the wise words of the world around me instead of the still small voice I heard inside. But finally it made sense. God's call to me will not always make sense. God's call will not always look "smart". God's call will sometimes even cause other Christians to raise their eyebrow in concern. But listening for God's voice among the crowd is always the best choice.

So I made my decision. I would work Camp during the summer. I would make barely enough money to pay for two months of school instead of making enough to cover the entire semester. I would commit my summer to ministry rather than committing it to providing for my future. I knew that I could not afford to work Camp. I knew that I would never be able to pay for school on the path I currently was taking. But I chose to trust God. And I knew that somehow, He would make it all work out.